Week 2: Cats

Guys!! Cats was actually really good, like I’m not exactly sure what the deal was because I think if you really give it a chance—NO. Can you fucking imagine?? I have two things I would like to say as a preface to this review. 1. I have never seen Cats performed as a play and knew next to nothing about it going into this movie, so if you have and want to disagree with or correct me in the comments absolutely please do! 2. I literally just returned from the movie theater and I do have to say that I wish I had planned better so as to give myself adequate time to sit with the many feelings this film gave me and perhaps emerge from the catatonic state of horror (pun NOT intended) in which I currently find myself; but instead you, my poor audience, will have to deal with what may in fact prove to be the incoherent ramblings of a deeply traumatized individual. Now, let’s get into it, shall we?

Single-Sentence Synopsis: (SPOILERS)

An hour-and-fifty-minute long nightmare from which you will beg to be awakened up through the last scene, as you watch hairy Jennifer Hudson defeat all the other hairy humanoids in a competition for which the prize is… death?

My Review:

As I said I know virtually nothing about the origin of this story, but I am forced to assume that the play from which this cinematic hellscape was adapted is better than what I have just witnessed. From what I can understand, it seems that the central glue of the universe in which Cats operates is that it is inexplicable, and therefore magical and wonderful in its defiance of reality. From the bizarre names of the cats to the actual magic in the plot, this story was clearly never meant to be rooted in reality. And if those aspects of the film’s world weren’t enough to tip you off about the nature of its rules, the unremitting repetition of the word “ineffable” just might get you there (subtle, Andrew Lloyd Webber).

That being said, I believe that there is a fine line between inexplicable and completely fucking insane; and having horrifying cat/human hybrids that are the physical embodiment of the “uncanny valley” don’t exactly help to push the needle toward the former descriptor. Also, I straight up cannot get over “Rum Tum Tugger.” That shit is so funny. Rum. Tum. Tugger. Rum Tum Tugger. Rum Tum, fucking, Tugger. What kind of a name is that??? Crazy. Anyways, I digress. The CGI was clearly a disturbing crossbreed that is neither human nor cat enough to sit right with audiences. From the moment the first trailer for Cats was released, fans of the musical and random by passers alike took to social media to voice both their complaints and their abject horror. So much so that the director Tom Hooper had to release a statement that the cats of Cats were not yet fully done and would look different in the final cut of the film (Source: https://www.cinemablend.com/news/2485783/cats-controversial-cgi-changed-after-viral-online-response). See the photos below for examples of how the visuals went from shit-your-pants scary to simply quite horrifying.

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While these adjustments did help slightly, the problem overwhelmingly remained. And, in addition, the issues did not begin and end with this film’s character CGI. The behavior of the “cats” (especially when combined with the CGI) was equally lost in that repulsive chasm that exists between typical anthropomorphic characters and living human beings. The cats scratch the floor and screech instead of clapping in response to a performance, their hisses are too human-like and bizarre, the cats wear no clothes most of the time but some wear solely sneakers??… please don’t make me continue. AND IT DOESN’T END THERE. Oh no no no. Not only does this movie feature absurd human-esque cats, but there are mice too. And cockroaches. That is not a typo. Cockroaches. Played by people. Now that shit was disturbing. See the clip below to watch Rebel Wilson as a humanoid cat eat a humanoid cockroach.

In conclusion, I have never owned a cat and would certainly classify myself as a dog person. However, that is a far cry from the state I now find myself in: actively troubled by their mere existence. So please, if you’re reading this, do not bring your cat near me, don’t even mention Ian McKellen’s name, and for God’s sake do not pay money to see this fucking movie.

Scoring Rubric: (On a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the absolute worst imaginable)

• Animation – 5/5
• Cat names – 4/5
• Hissing – 3/5
• Nightmares – 6/5

Overall Score: 4.5/5 (So bad it’s actually scary)