Week 4: Gretel & Hansel

Posted bydailylizgreenPosted inUncategorized
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZblQLhKcZQ

Welcome back, folks! Or, if you’re new here, just welcome! If you have read my blog before then you know that I like to watch movies that scored very poorly with critics. However, this week we are shaking things up.

It’s quite common that when a film is met with disdain from critics, that it nonetheless fairs quite well with audiences. Take, for example, Dolittle which scored a tragic 15% critics-like-it but still managed to pull out a 76% with audiences. Or how about the latest installment of the Star Wars saga which was deemed “rotten” from critics but was received quite favorably by audiences, with 52% and 86% respectively. I was certainly not part of the 86% of audience members who liked that infuriatingly lazy hack job of a Star Wars film, but I digress. I could go on forever with examples of this common disparity. But what about when critics like a film way better than audiences? This is a significantly less common phenomenon. Two movies that experienced such ratings within the last year were Midsommar and The Lighthouse, which both scored about 20 percentage points higher with critics than audiences. But in both of these cases, the film ultimately received a “fresh” score from both parties. So then what the fuck happened with Gretel & Hansel ? This film managed a 61% from critics, but a pathetic 22% from audiences. That’s nearly a 40 percentage point difference.

As you can gather from my admittedly blistering review of Dolittle, I generally tend to side with critics when they say a movie is shit. But what about when the roles are reversed? Who’s right here? Let’s find out.

Single-Sentence Synopsis:

A young woman and her little brother flee the home of their unhinged mother, only to end up living with a grotesque old woman who likes to make her own vaseline and has a seriously bizarre diet.  

Review:

Let’s just take a minute to notice that of the three movies I have reviewed thus far, two of them have been adapted or remade from previous stories. And with no exception they have been completely unnecessary, as they not only failed to bring a new perspective to what came before but also downright shat on the honor of their beloved predecessors (I’m lookin’ at you, Cats). But I actually think Gretel & Hansel could be a much-needed exception! This film did what the others failed to achieve in that it was able to bring something new to the pre-existing story, which in my opinion is the only reason to make a sequel/reboot/remake/what have you. Gretel & Hansel uses the classic, grim fairytale to participate in a contemporary conversation.

At least the way I understood it, this updated take on Hansel & Gretel was actually about feminism. Betcha could’ve guessed that by the way they put Gretel’s name first in the title! Woo feminism! But also, to be completely honest that’s only what I think they were trying to do in this film. It’s quite hard to say because the filmmakers truly did as little as artistically possible to make it clear what in the hell they were trying to say. Any explanation I could give as to why I think this is about feminism makes me feel like a crazy person who’s seeing things where they aren’t. When I got home from the theater and tried to explain to my roommate that the witch eats children, including her own, as a symbol of breaking with traditional feminine roles such as that in the household, I might as well have been saying that the trees in the film represented popsicles (okay but actually I think the trees were a phallic symbol and there’s this whole thing where Hansel keeps trying and failing to chop them down so that totally ties into… okay, see what I mean?).

It just feels like a stretch that would have any cinema graduate student foaming at the mouth, but for your average audience member… I think the only reaction you can expect to get is “what the fuck?”. I consider myself to be a particularly active and thoughtful moviegoer and I still left the theater feeling a strange combination of distress and confusion that is usually reserved for things in the political sphere, not the cinema. However, if this film did have a redeeming quality, it has to be the visuals. The use of color and light was gorgeous, the production design was dope, and that witch was genuinely fucking creepy! Just look at these stills.

But as for everything else, I gotta side with the audience scores… meh. Sorry critics! Maybe the next time someone inevitably takes a shot at this story it will go a little better. At least this iteration didn’t feature Jeremy Renner and sexy Gretel…

Scoring Rubric (On a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the most disturbing)

  • Witches – 3/5
  • Phallic symbols- 3/5
  • Vaseline- 5/5
  • Hollywood’s inability to be original- 4/5

Overall Score: 3.75/ 5 (Not that bad, but certainly not wood– I mean good!!)

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Source for critics and audience scores: Rotten Tomatoes

Sources for photos:

4 thoughts on “Week 4: Gretel & Hansel”

  1. Although I did not watch Gretel & Hansel, I can very much appreciate your review! I love what you said about how nobody asked for a lot of the subpar remake movies out there. I actually think this a lot when I see a terrible book being made into a movie (i.e. Room, sorry not sorry) or with the whole Mean Girls 2 thing. We really didn’t want that!!! Also, I’m curious to know, if this was a 3.5, what would you give a 5/5 for witches?

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  2. So glad you can relate. Let’s all just agree right now that we can go ahead and cancel remakes in 2020. Also, absolutely did not know that Room was a book, much less that it was in fact terrible. I’m wondering what you thought was so bad about it and also if you think the movie was any better. And YES THANK YOU WHO THE HELL LET MEAN GIRLS 2 EXIST. Shameful. As for a 5/5 disturbing witch, you ever heard of Harry Potter? That girl Hermione was such a know-it-all meanie! No but actually, the film The Witches (based on Roald Dahl’s book of the same name) features a true 5/5 disturbing witch when Anjelica Huston’s character reveals her true face. Like seriously wtf was that? If you don’t know what I’m talking about you seriously MUST watch this clip:
    https://youtu.be/TrjLNpfDTi0 .

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  3. I’ve been using your blog as a way to know which movies I shouldn’t spend my money on – thank you for that!! I agree with what you and the previous commenter said about getting all these movies no one asked for – like, why??? It’s almost like they pulled a piece of paper out of a hat full of random ideas. Loved the review, and thanks for helping me keep my wallet from going empty!

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  4. So sad to hear this movie sucks. I love horror/slasher/thrillers and some of these newer movies are so pathetic and almost laughable. I am waiting for a great one, but I’ve been waiting forever. I think it’s impressive that you could find a deeper meaning, even if it seems like a stretch. I’m always curious to know what rubric critics use because it seems like a toss-up at this point. I’m waiting for you to watch a movie worth watching! I’ll keep checking back!

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